Whatever, I'm getting cheese fries

Never have I been more ready mentally and emotionally to be in a relationship and never has my life been less suited for such an existence. To a fault I've always been about my work taking first priority, and those who have come along for the ride have accepted that or moved on. By no means do I want to move my goals and efforts to attain them down the totem pole now, or ever, but rather I do feel like I'm finally willing to share that time and find that energy within myself to devote to another living, breathing human being. As things are, I'm in Austin for 2.5 more months and after that I'm in Europe for an open ended 2 month stint and then after that, who knows. I have ideas, strong feelings and vague plans, but it's hardly a lifestyle conducive to maintaining a relationship, let alone starting one...and yet these are the times I want so much to share with someone. Selfishly I want someone to be there as I try and navigate my way through this transitory period, someone I can call and tell and question about the most wonderful or awful new adventure i've just had and them listen with a genuine interest that exist if for no other reason than for the fact that it's me telling it, but transversely I want to be able to be that person for someone too, maybe even more so than I want it for myself. I joke so much about being cold and heartless, wanting to be young and single forever, but few things could be farther from the truth. Certainly I have my moments where those things are very real, and then more often I have moments where I need those things to be true just to keep the skin thick and unscathed. I have so much love to give that I have this awful habit of hiding it away for fear that it won't be returned...Blech, this all looks very melancholy in type, and yet I mean it more as a matter-of-fact statement than anything resembling a pity party. I'm surrounded by the most incredible friends and in the last 3 months alone have had some of the most amazing experiences of my life, so I certainly will not claim to be lonely or alone, but if the circumstances were that at the end of the day I came home and was able to crawl into bed and exchange heartbeats with my best friend...well I probably wouldn't complain too much about that either :)

Dichotomy of a post-grad brain

It's strange, this place we're in in our life and our mind.

Full of possibility. World at our feet, our oyster, behind the door of my our choosing.

We have an education. We are educated. That paper says it's so.

Good. Easy as pie then. Just remember the lesson in that classroom during those days and I'll pick the world up, pry the shell open, kick the door down.
Hello?
Test 1-2-3.
Can you hear me now?
I said!, Easy as pie. Just remember the lesson in that classroom during those days and I'll pick the world up, pry the shell open, kick the door do--

Yes I heard you, but, which lesson, which classroom, which day?

Your guess is as good as mine. The lesson in that classroom during those days. I'll pick the world up, pry the shell open, kick the door down.

Yes but I don't know which lesson, which classroom, which day!

I'm just trying to help you help me.

Yes, but how do I know which one was the lesson? What if I choose wrong and you can't pick the world up, pry the shell open, kick the door down?

Just do it. Dig deep, take a leap of faith, and never look back.

When It Rains, It Pours

And then there are those times where you don't make rent for the first time ever, your "low fuel" light comes on, your pantry is bare, you have 2 tables in a 5 hour work period, and you've gone on 20 something auditions gotten 14 callbacks and no jobs that make you want to crawl in the fetal position and hope it will all go away by the time you run out of tears to cry. My calendar is completely full and my bank account completely empty. Guess it's time to get creative and see what I can come up with...

Winter's on the Wing

Per usual in my case it's been a hot second longer than intended since I jotted a thing or two down in this diddy. Things have been racing a long at such an incensed pace I can't believe it's nearly March already. Finally this week things slowed just ever so slightly and of course my immune system took that as full permission to crash big time, so as I sit writing this the trashcan next to me runneth over with snot infused kleenex that despite their aloe and extra softness seem to have taken a large amount of the skin from my nose with them.

Macbeth came and went and with it my full-blown Irish beard and long hair. A very different experience on many levels but one that I walked away from having grown and learned. It was fun to carry a sword and pretend to be cool every night too! By far the gayest cast I've ever been a part of. Something about a large group of straight men fighting together...gay.

Auditions have been a constant and the feelings following have ranged from "omg i'm going to Broadway" to "omg i'm going to be sweeping broadway for coke cans to make a nickel". A couple more are left on the calendar, and then I should start hearing back around mid to late March from most companies so...we'll see. Trying to stay optimistic without getting my hopes up for anything in particular.

Found out earlier this week that I'll be making my NYC Singing debut on March 8th at the famous cabaret theatre "The Duplex"! Hopefully I can bounce back from this nastiness and get everything together for it in time. Sutton Foster who just got done starring as Fiona in Shrek on Bway is coming to watch, so that'll be fun. I'm just pumped to sing in the city for people who aren't my classmates! :)

A couple more really exciting things in the works before Spring is out but...more on those as they come to fruition and details get worked out.

Now that it's happening it's hard to believe I'm winding things down here, and more and more I find myself lost in a battle of where I want to go and what I want to do. It's difficult not to look at things as hard and fast and forever. I'm constantly reminding myself that if I choose one thing I don't have to choose that forever, but reminding and believing aren't always the same. There's the inner-chatter that says seeking Option A means giving up on Option B and letting down a certain number of people, but it works the other way too. I know the part near the end shouldn't matter, but if you know me at all, you know it does. It's a give and take of personal and career, which is also very personal, of a million tiny adventures or a few big ones and really just a few very different lives. Even as I re-read these words back I can't help but laugh at my youth and naieveity about it all, but thus is life and all I can do for now is keep taking one step forward and "readying" myself for the whatever path divide approached.

Louder Than Words

Well, 2010 got off to a bit of a shaky start. I had the best NYE I've had in several years and got to see numerous friends I've been away from a while, including one who just added an adorable little girl to her family. After that though, things got rough. On my way back to the Midwest my phone broke, my computer stopped working, my flight was delayed, the airline lost my baggage, I got a flat tire, and then my truck hit an icy patch on the interstate at 2:30 am and spun across the median into oncoming traffic. Fortunately though I survived all of this and things have, knock on wood, begun to look up since then.

This past semester, past year really, has been such an experience, good and bad, both personally and artistically. I got to play two incredible parts in two very different shows and in doing so continue to hone my process and craftmanship, not to mention meet and work with some of the loveliest people I now know, won a departmental award for my work in the 1st of these and was nominated for a collegiate award for the second, spent a summer living with my best friend in one of my favorite cities in the world, didn't get cast in two showcases, failed a test for the first time in my college career and lived to tell about it, met a boy who I'm absolutely crazy about, spent my first Thanksgiving away from home and my first Christmas without my grandfather.

Now, as I launch into 2010 and my last semester of college, and it has been just that, a launch, I can't remember a time when I was so invigorated and excited about the things that are currently happening and about to happen in my life. These next 5 months are about wrapping up this chapter of my life and mentally and physically preparing myself for an entirely new, and possibly much longer chapter. With that comes so many things that I have been looking forward to for...a while. I've wanted to take creative writing for 2 years and it's finally come to fruition. I literally left the class shaking with giddiness yesterday. My other classes, too, have given me reason to happily run around campus with familiar faces asking me what's wrong and what i've done with Colin. Not only am I eating, which at times I've forgone in favor of coffee and full view of my ribs, I'm eating the healthiest I have in a long, long time. To top that off I'm working out in a more varied and fun way than ever before, mixing in cardio, weight lifting, pilates, dance, and the combat rehearsals that come with doing Macbeth. It feels great, I'm enjoying it, and I genuinely feel like I have more enegery than I've had in a long time. I have a large handful of auditions lined up for the semester and hope to add more as time progresses. Then if things work out, there is much travel, though on a VERY limited budget, in the cannon including possible trips to St. Louis, New York, and Miami. Tim and I are doing well and though we're facing an incredibly busy and seperated few months, I can't wait to see where things take us. All in all, just a really passionate time for me. Even as I type this I'm beaming. I really do feel like I have the world at my fingertips and though trials and tribulations are sure to come...I'm ready, and with the support of some pretty amazing people around me, I'll perservere.

I know it's a bit late for all this being how we're half way through the first month of the year, but I hope 2010 had started you all off in a positive way as well!